Crooked Thoughts

Crooked Thoughts
by Maujerie

What is beautiful? What is beauty?

     One time, on the way home, my aunt told me that I was her most beautiful niece out of everyone. Back then, I believed in everything that makes me feel good and denied what makes me feel bad. So, I believed her. I believed that I was beautiful. I did.

       Fast forward to the present. I changed a lot and my perspective of beauty changed. My views about myself changed. I can't pose in front of a camera when back then I modeled for my cousin for fun. I don't even think I'm beautiful when I wear makeup.

        I have this view that everyone is beautiful. Makeup or natural. Curly hair or straight hair. Dark complexion or white. Everyone but one.

        I feel beautiful until I don't. Until people tell me I'm not. Until I see people who are goddesses. Until people around me looks at me like I'm disgusting. Until people don't appreciate me. Until I tell myself that I'm not. Until I feel that I'm not. So no, I'm not beautiful. Whatever definition you have of beautiful, I won't fit them.

       I believe that everyone is beautiful but one. I make this exception. How crooked.

       I feel beautiful until I don't and I don't need anybody telling me I am to keep my hopes up. No, thank you.